What If the Economy

“The decision to replace the old economic model is great news for lots of people who are currently trying to get pointless jobs that they don’t enjoy because they cant afford not to. But of course it’s not going to suit everybody”

This morning the government announced plans to change the way the economy operates. “We have decided the economy is washed up,” explained a refreshingly expansive George Osborne, wearing old jeans and comfy canvas shoes, “So we are going to change it.”

no more over-use of the word “fiscal”

“We are going to stop being bullied by bankers and carbon heavy corporates and just re-evaluate everything. We want lots more local vegetable growing, youth theatres, children with muddy knees, mixed farms, car free streets, new soup recipes, renewable energy, knitting, guitar lessons, singing at the office, cycling to work, fresh air, home made jam and we want safe places for hedgehogs to cross the road,” he continued.

“So we have decided to adjust the economic model accordingly” added the Prime Minister.

 “Yes,” continued George, “We are fed up of bankers bonuses, fossil fuels and, above all, over-use of the word “fiscal”.  If we don’t stop soon, the whole world will go bonkers!”

“We now have a situation where some children live on coca cola and big macs instead of food. When we grew up, we ate food. It wasn’t a class issue,” said Caroline Spelman, popping her head around the door, “Its got to a situation where nobody can afford to do nice things anymore except a few powerful people who are fixated on restoring the growth economy so that they can continue to keep thoroughbred racehorses, a helicopter, various sports cars, the pad in Dubai, the fridge packed full of cocaine and the Range Rover,  that they don’t  really give a stuff. And these same people are still going around thinking that if they ignore climate change and poverty, it’ll go away. We suddenly realized that a few funding streams were not going to counter all this nonsense, so David decided to drop the current economic system altogether.”

The economic system was invented by men who smoked in the 18th century, maybe that’s why it’s no longer working

“This old economic system” explained Vince Cable, bringing a little gravitas to the occasion, “was fomulated by political economists in smoking jackets during the eighteenth century and is underpinned by the myth of Homo Economicus … a formulaic model of a man who makes choices based on what will maximize his personal wealth in the easiest way possible. A number of other people, including philosophers, modern economists, climate scientists and women (who asked them!?!) have pointed out that this model is flawed but its taken a financial crash, a miserable austerity budget and a biosphere on the edge of collapse to finally drive the message home.”

At this point David Cameron managed to get a proper turn, “The decision to replace the old economic model is great news for lots of people who are currently trying to get pointless jobs that they don’t enjoy because they cant afford not to. But of course it’s not going to suit everybody”

And he is right. Nuclear weapons and airports will now be built on an entirely voluntary basis as part of the Big Society. Other pursuits, such as deep drilling for oil in the Arctic and mining tar sands in the Canadian wilderness will also become voluntary, although there will be funding streams to help. These will be administered by  NEXPUE (National Endowment for previously Profitable Unsustainable Enterprises) and will involve Labour-esque quarterly reports and the fabricating of slightly irrelevant but measurable targets.

 

The first edition of this  post was  published in Broad Sheep  magazine July 2011 edition. www.broadsheep.com

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